Monday, October 05, 2015


This morning I was multi-tasking. I was lying on my bed trying to squeeze into a pair of cerise Versace ski-pants. I had sucked in my stomach, clenched my buttocks and exhaled completely; when suddenly the clasp fastened. “Victory” I screamed, as my lungs inflated, and my derriere enjoyed the benefits of blood flow again. I stood up and took a step forward, the chaffing was so bad I felt like I was having a Brazilian wax. I groaned in pain and fell back on the bed defeated.

So its official, I’m in mourning for the bum I had 8 years ago, and reason and sanity have left the building. I feel like giving Donatella a good wedgie in one of her dental floss bikinis, that is, after I have torched every carbohydrate in the kitchen cupboards, and more importantly the freezer.You see I’ve been a polygamist for years, yes, shocking…but occasionally I go to bed with two men, Ben and Gerry. Of course I have cheated on them with Haagen-Dazs, but like an accomplished adulteress I keep my indiscretions quiet. Ben and Gerry have a lot to answer for, I blame their flavours. It’s over…never again…I’m becoming a frigid ice-cream Virgin. So my diet must start immediately.

My happy colour comes to the rescue. I jump into black with the same abandon and glee as I do when I plunge into a Bottle of Cabernet.Beautiful black- slimming (my hips scream thankyou), elegant, camouflaging, comfortable, forgiving, and if that’s not enough, doesn’t clash with anything, is oblivious to stains, and can handle a heap of accessories while flattering every skin tone, and slips on like a post-coital sigh, If men had the same qualities, girls would be a lot happier.

Black somehow always manages to look fashionable and stylish regardless of trends, which is a privilege that’s denied to coloured clothing, it’s also incredibly sexy and slightly mysterious. It’s perfect for that first date, striking a harmonious balance between elegant seductress and vamp.Black is technically an absence of colour, and it’s exactly this quality that imparts to a desperate woman a sense of calm, security and comfort. I’ve recently been in need of all three; as I stand in front of my wardrobe at screaming pitch with the chaos that confronts me daily. Black has been my singular colour of choice, allowing me to combine textures and cheaper items of clothing with high end brands to produce classy ensembles, elegantly and easily, without the endless worrying of what’s going to go with what.I have frequently gone directly from work to an evening out effortlessly, all thanks to Black. A freshen up, a swizzle of makeup, a change of accessories from my bag, and I’m ready for that divine French meal with girlfriends or a causal chat over drinks. 

If Fashion truly has international clout; then Black is the passport.Black is the perfect chameleon, it’s the Emergency 999 of the fashion world, and I’m so grateful to have it on speed dial, and to quote Wednesday Adams “I’ll stop wearing black, when they invent a darker colour.”

With special thanks to the fabulous Photographer, Matthew Reilly, who continues to astound me with his incredible skills…girls if you are having a wedding? This is your guy! 

Edited by Roland Thackaberry  


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